Name: There's No Such Thing (A Holiday Song)
Duration: P00H03M55S
Description: Merry Christmas. We're so sorry.

There's No Such Thing (A Holiday Song)

by Trauma Cat

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Merry Christmas. We're so sorry.

lyrics

When I was young
Just a stupid little kid
My parents bought and sold me on
Some old seasonal fib (and you may know the one)
So each and every Christmas Eve
I’d lie in wait excitedly
Until the age of 23
The moment it all dawned on me

There’s no such thing as Santa Claus
I know he can’t be real because
The logic of his sleigh is flawed
He can’t be everywhere at once

I ask you if he’s god or man
You never seem to answer that
Am I supposed to think St. Nick
Became this fat old cryptid prick?
So if you’re hearing this out there
I recommend you find a chair
Be sure you’re sitting down for this
I’ll try to rip the Band-Aid quick

There’s no such thing as Santa Claus
I know this for a fact because
We’re all bound to physics laws
We never wrote the magic clause

And every child deserves to hear
So take your hands off of their ears
Guess I can’t say I don’t believe
‘Cause belief implies possibility

Sorry to kill the mood
But Christmas will be over soon
So your yuletide got less gay
Tomorrow is another day

There’s no such thing as Santa Claus
But if there ever really was
He wouldn’t be so jolly ‘cause
The North Pole, soon enough, will thaw

credits

released December 11, 2020
Produced by the Trauma Cat with St. Julian P. Dingus for Cuck Records
Engineered, mixed, and mastered by St. Julian P. Dingus using revolutionary ScramGraft Technologies at a horrifying fallout shelter in Syracuse, New York, USA, 2020
Artwork by Jessica Beagle

Music by Ralph Kojig, Roman Pando, and Rutger DiBoyere
Lyrics by Roman Pando
Organ by Ralph Kojig
Sleigh bells by Rutger DiBoyere
Piano by St. Julian P. Dingus
Additional vocals by the Syracuse Traumatized Children's Choir

Trauma Cat is:
Ralph Kojig — guitar, vocals
Roman Pando — bass guitar, vocals
Rutger DiBoyere — drums

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Trauma Cat Syracuse, New York

America’s sorriest “power” trio

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